16 Week Ultrasound

Having a high risk pregnancy is largely not fun. There is something that is really nice about it though - lots and lots of peeks at the baby! I also do feel fortunate to have such good monitoring already, although I am sure I will quickly tire of driving to the doctor's every week in the third trimester.

Yesterday we had an ultrasound at 16.5 weeks to check on the size of my cyst, (which has not grown,) the placement of the placenta and the development of Little Bit.

About 3 days before the ultrasound I started to get very nervous. People tell me that this is normal, and several have shared that they were nervous before every ultrasound or appointment all the way through. That made me feel better, because I was thinking that I was a bit irrational. Now I realize that although I am irrational, at least I have good company. I have been lucky enough now to feel the baby regularly for a couple of weeks. So I should have known that everything was okay, yet I was worried that there wouldn't be a heartbeat or something.

Not only does Little Bit still have a strong heartbeat, but we got a peek at its chambers. We saw a (big) head with a forming brain, a long spine, strong bones forming in the arms and legs, and a pair of big feet that even the sonographer had to comment on. (I am wondering if big feet are the reason I can feel movement so much.) To our delight, and the sonographers chagrin, our baby is very, very active. We watched Little Bit roll, beat, kick, and curl up for over an hour.

Of course, knowing that gender can be determined as early as 15 weeks, we were also hoping to be able to clarify that. Little Bit had a different idea though... his/her idea was to move around like crazy during the entire ultrasound. (The ultrasound was over one hour thanks to all of this movement!) Little Bit also thought it was funny to keep his/her legs together and actually covered his/her private area with a hand when we thought we were about to get a good peek! So - while we did get a look, it was brief and not enough for anyone to be 100% confident on gender yet. So sad for us, because I would really like to start planning some things. I guess I will just have to be patient for 4 more weeks. In the meantime, I am having a lot of talks with Little Bit and asking for better cooperation next time.

Here is Little Bit at 16 weeks and 3 days... I am very excited to be entering month 5 on Friday!

Things That Keep Me Awake At Night

First, an explanation... My littlest sister, Liel, is perhaps one of the most funny people that I know. Her humor was cultivated perfectly in my family's ironic and witty style. Her blog, Life: Listed, is my favorite one to visit. All it consists of is lists - one list after another, all of them make me laugh. I think it is quite possible that people who do not know Liel might find the lists slightly odd, because her humor is so subtle that it can be overlooked. Anyway, I have decided to create a list of my own in Liel's honor. I'm not necessarily going for humor in mine, because I can't really touch her style. :)

Things That Keep Me Awake At Night
aka: Why I Am Consistently Sleep Deprived

• I was born this way... I have never been able to sleep. Ask my mom. Or my grandma. It has only worsened with pregnancy. (And makes me hope, hope, hope that my baby doesn't inherit this lovely trait from me.)
• The need to go to the bathroom.
• Concern about Andy's sleep, which has definitely been affected by my tossing and turning.
• My medicine, which makes me sleep all day but restless at night.
• Unfounded worrying about my health or the baby's health.
• Founded worrying about my health or the baby's health.
• Hunger pangs.
• Eating sugar in response to hunger pangs. (Why is it that popcorn WITH skittles sounds like a great idea at 3 in the morning? I know I should just have a piece of toast or something!)
• Odd dreams that make me think I could write a new Twilight Zone series.
• My cat, who now just HAS to sleep right next to me every night. (Which is fine unless he is kneading me, pouncing on me, or taking over MY sleeping space.)
• Andy's alarm clock. (Do we really need it to go off for a full hour before he wants to wake up?)
• Feeling like I'm freezing.
• Feeling like I'm burning hot.
• As of the last two nights - round ligament pain.
• Heartburn or just indigestion in general.
• When there is actually something interesting on at 4am in the morning, like Bringing Baby Home.
• Reading blogs, mostly of people that I don't really even know... but somehow find incredibly interesting between the hours of 2am and 4am.
• Getting lost on the computer in lists of baby names or articles about being pregnant.
• Thinking too hard about how tired I am.

The First Four Weeks

Four weeks ago, on a Tuesday morning, I woke up and decided to take a pregnancy test because I thought it was curious that I could be sick all night for three nights in a row. I had written off every other symptom I'd had in the previous weeks, but this one I could just not explain away. I did not really think I was pregnant. In fact, I was ready for one line to show in the window, as it had countless times before. It was 7 in the morning. Andy was still snoring... I hadn't told him about my crazy thoughts, because I had shared them so many times before, only to be followed by disappointment.

I did not know that pregnancy tests could go positive as fast as mine did. I started saying, "Oh my gosh, Andy... it says plus." In my shock, a few (interpret: several or a lot) choice words slipped out of my mouth. I was not calm. I was near hysteria. Andy didn't really know what I meant by "plus" until I came back into the bedroom babbling and holding the test in my hand. It would take too much time to explain all of the reasons why I was hysterical - but mostly, I couldn't really believe it was true. Needless to say, Andy was awake pretty quickly. So were the kids... although they thankfully had no idea what was going on.

I called my doctor's office the minute they opened and scheduled the first appointment that was available - at 8:45 - to meet with someone. I was immediately terrified because I had no idea how far along I was, and because I knew that I was on a dangerous medication for my chronic high blood pressure. This is the next biggest reason I was hysterical, I did not know how or when the medication could hurt the baby. I also doubted the integrity of my home test. Andy decided to stay home from work. I went to the doctor alone while he watched the kids - we agreed we didn't want to get them excited or upset before anything was confirmed. Another test there showed I was pregnant in less than a half minute. The entire office was so excited when I shared with them how we were "infertile" and hadn't "tried" for over two years. The doctor I met with was so reassuring and wonderful, she spent 45 minutes with me - for a 15 minute appointment. (I learned that my medication, lisinopril, was most dangerous in the second and third trimesters.) I was still very tentative... I couldn't believe that it was true, and if it was true, was it a viable pregnancy? The doctor decided to refer me for an ultrasound that day so that we could find out. I left there at 9:45 with an appointment to return at 3 that afternoon.

I spent most of the day talking to Andy about how it probably wasn't viable. But if it was, what would that mean? This was completely unplanned, and I was scared to be happy about it before there was any proof. Andy was excited from the moment he figured out why I was babbling that morning. A good friend watched our kids with practically no notice and we headed to the appointment. My bladder was so full I thought I was going to die. The ultrasound tech was wonderful. We waited for less than a minute, she took us right back and explained how the ultrasound would work to estimate gestational age. She also explained what she would be looking for. I am sure my blood pressure was through the roof. Okay, I admit I wanted really badly for it to be true and real. But at that point, I was doing everything I could to protect myself from repeated disappointment.

She put the doppler on my belly and immediately said, "Wow! There's our little life!" I looked at the screen and saw this:
I almost asked if that was a picture of me... For a moment I thought it was an image that was on the screen. Surely if that was my baby, it wouldn't be that well developed yet? I thought I might be five or six weeks along. Then the baby bounced. That wasn't a picture, it was a moving ulrasound... which meant it was real. And I went into shock. We were there for about 45 minutes. I might remember 25 of them. I spent most of the time saying silent prayers of thanks and trying, unsuccessfully, not to cry. (I also had about a five minute period where I came to the realization that this meant I would have to experience labor after all.)

I do know that I walked out with photos, a planner, a husband squeezing my hand tightly, and a huge grin on my tear stained face. I was not alone in my babbling on the way to pick up the kids... Andy babbled along with me. I think he was relieved that I was finally letting myself feel excited about it. We decided, since we were already 10.5 weeks along, to go ahead and tell the kids that night. So even though it was 4:30 in the afternoon, we headed to McDonalds and showed them the pictures. Lynnae was more excited then I'd ever seen her. Charlie was oblivious. That night I didn't sleep - I started worrying about my medication again, and crawled out of bed to start researching high risk OB's and hospitals. That was the first day that we knew we were pregnant.

Since then four more eventful weeks have passed. My pregnancy is high risk for more than one reason. I do have genetic chronic high blood pressure. This puts me and our baby at higher risk
for a host of complications including placenta previa and pre-eclampsia. At our last ultrasound they found a cystic teratoma in one of my ovaries. This hopefully will not be a huge deal, but I will have more ultrasounds to watch it for growth... and if it grows it may need to be removed during the pregnancy. Because I have PCOS, I am naturally insulin resistant, which puts me at a higher risk for gestational diabetes. Basically, I have plenty to worry about... and in part due to other events of the past month, I have had too much time to worry.

I have had five doctor appointments and two ultrasounds in the first month that we have known about the baby. I take 9 pills a day, most of them to prevent complications from high blood pressure. I have both a high risk OB and a perinatologist. I am very happy with my care and with the monitoring I will receive. I have already talked to 3 on call doctors. I am sure they love me.

In the first month I have been excited to see a baby bump materialize. I am actually happy that the scale has moved 2 pounds in the right direction. I have started crocheting a baby blanket, for my own baby this time. I bought a name book to help me think about happier things. My mom came to visit, and although it was planned before we knew we were pregnant, the timing was perfect. And, although I know it is still early considering it is my first pregnancy, I think I felt the baby move one night.

In the first month that I have known about our baby, I have become very grateful. I love my husband, who is supporting me amazingly in my insanity, more than I ever realized was possible. I have come to decide that everything will be okay, because this baby is a true miracle. It survived for 10 weeks without any intervention, and at 12 weeks was still thriving as the picture below shows.



In the first month, I have come to already love our little miracle baby. And I'm really excited to see him/her again in less than two weeks!

Results - Week 8 & Final (for now)

June 15th was the last day of week 8. June 16th I found out that I was 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant. So if you do the math, you will see that I pretty much started this latest weight loss push at the same time that I got pregnant. Like me, you may find it slightly funny to go back and look at my results posts and search for the signs that there was a growing baby inside of me. My instant energy from the first couple of weeks disappeared rapidly and was met with fatigue. I was starving, so I added in about 300 more calories, (incidentally, they say a baby requires 300 more calories at first.) I believe I journaled about sugar cravings that I just could not fight. Even my blood pressure drop was a sign. Ah, hindsight.

So in Week 8 I was honestly so confused. If I was doing all of this exercise and eating so well, why did I just have to take a 2 hour nap every day? Was I eating enough iron? Was I pushing too hard? I decided to just let my body do what it felt was right for the week. At this point I was so fatigued that I didn't really have another choice. But in Week 8 I lost 2.8 pounds. I didn't track anything else that week, so that is the only stat a have to share. Obviously, I quit the next day with a total weight loss of 11.4 pounds. I met my 10 pound goal and was only 2 pounds away from my real, overall goal... Not too shabby considering that I also had a growing baby inside of me already.

Did I feel guilt? Yes. I was worried at first that I had done something wrong to the baby. I started to go back over what I'd done to think about whether I'd been starving us or exercising too hard. As I was doing this thinking I lost another pound. (Once I knew I was pregnant, I felt more entitled to let my symptoms take over - including morning sickness, which struck me at night.) I lost 12.5 pounds in my first trimester. Would the baby be alright? "Yes, your baby will be just fine," was the reassuring answer from all of my doctors. And, when I asked about the exercise that I'd been doing, "All of that is perfectly safe for the baby."

When I thought more about it, I realized that the timing was fortunate. I greatly improved my diet and my exercise habits just in time to help Little Bit grow and, as my friend Angie keeps saying, "stick". Considering I wasn't taking a prenatal during this time, my diet adjustments were probably just what my body needed. Don't worry - I had been taking vitamins, and I started taking prenatals the day I found out. A few days later my doctor also put me on folic acid therapy, so now I take 5 vitamins a day.

My conclusion? Think whatever you want, but I believe this baby is a miracle. And I believe the fact that I decided to take better care of my body exactly when it was really needed was inspired. I'm quite happy now that I actually came within a pound of my goal, and I am no longer worried about how this impacted Little Bit's health. I'm just so grateful for the timing of it all and committed to reaching my goal sometime next spring. (Or summer.)

01-11-10

Two weeks ago today, Andy and I were surprised by a little bit of news.

After nearly 11 years of marriage,

A lot of hoping,

And 1,000 prayers (at least)...

We learned that a new life is growing inside of me, and should join us in January.

Mind you, this news came after 8 years of trying and 2 years of acceptance that it was not to be.

The day that we learned we were pregnant, we were already more than 10 weeks along.

I went from thinking I was crazy one night, to the next day seeing our baby on a monitor. This is what we saw...

A little body that had already developed fingers and toes.

A rapid heart beat, pumping away at 172 beats per minute.

And our very active baby that just wouldn't stop bouncing.

How can you be 10 weeks pregnant and not know? It takes a lot of denial. Yes, I even got sick and managed to come up with different rationalizations.

Because I honestly had given this dream up, and couldn't believe it to be true.

Especially not as a pure surprise.

But, I was wrong. Our baby is expected on 01/11/10. Andy says it is the perfect binary birthday because it is all 0's and 1's. (And yes, we know it will most likely be born on another day.)

So we've decided to call it the Little Bit until we can learn about it's gender. (We did receive an educated guess from our doctor, but we're keeping that to ourselves until we receive further proof.)

And today, two weeks after we got our first peek at Little Bit, we had our second ultrasound. Baby is still doing great, and has grown quite a bit! It's hands and feet are now very active.

Our scanner is on the fritz, so I couldn't upload the new pictures we received today - but here is a short clip from the ultrasound.

We are thrilled to have a baby on the way, and know that our friends and family will be as well. What a surprise for our little family!

Charlie is 3 1/2 Today

Today marks the halfway point between Charlie's 3rd and 4th birthdays. I know that it may seem a little silly to celebrate such a thing as a "half" birthday - but it is something that I like to do just for fun. When Lynnae turned 8 1/2 in January we made paper wreaths, a pie and let her have what she wanted for dinner. Today for Charlie we opened a new toy, made cookies, and are letting him have what he wants for dinner. (Taco Bell - he now, finally, likes burritos.) Am I setting really high expectations that I will regret in the next few years? Right now, I don't really care.

A couple of days ago I was doing some research on developmental milestones. I recently started watching my friend's almost 4-month-old baby 3 days a week... and I wanted to check into what she should be able to do, to see if I could help her along with her development. While I was at it, I checked into Charlie's development too.

Becoming a mom to a 2 year old and skipping all of the earlier stages is interesting. You don't really know what they should be able to do, and you don't know the history of how they have learned what they do know. All I know about Charlie's early life is contained in a 10-page "safety plan" that I was handed by the state. I know, certainly, that Charlie has made HUGE advances in the last 14 months we have known him. I know that his ability to read and write are rare. I know that he has some social and structure issues. (I also struggle with how to help him.)

But as I looked at the 3 year milestones I breathed a sigh of relief that every point was met. Then I decided to click on the 4-year milestones. I was shocked. I couldn't find one of them that he hasn't already met, or at least started. It made me so happy. We are talking about a boy who entered the foster care system at 14 months and could not crawl or stand. This boy 14 months ago would barely talk to people. He whispered to us for the first 6 weeks in one word sentences. He used to dissassociate regularly. Now he is telling us stories and making up songs for me as my "purprises".

Is he perfect? No. I really need to find a solution for this problem we have with not wanting to participate in or listen to coaches/teachers. (Not that I haven't already tried a bucket-full of tactics!) But in my eyes, I am so proud of him for the achievements he has made in the last 2 years of his life. I really, really wish that I had been there from the beginning... However, both of my kids show great signs of intelligence that are rare given their background and exposure in early life. We are all lucky.

Happy half-birthday to Charlie. And Lynnae turns 9 in 1 month and 4 days!

Results - Weeks 5, 6, and 7

Okay, here is my update on the last 3 weeks...


They've been really hard! At the end of Week 4 I quit my bp medicine, on doctor's advice of course. 4 days after I quit, my blood pressure spiked. Really high. And my sodium levels, water and stress level had been relatively in control that day. The conclusion? My blood pressure issue is most likely genetic (which we already knew - but didn't know if I could affect it with diet/exercise.) So back on the meds I went, that night. It was actually my first experience calling the on-call doctor after-hours (on advice from the nurses line when I told them about my fluctuation during the day from 105/60 to 150/95.) Oh well! Pooh-pooh for me, my body did not at all like the yo-yo from being on the medicine, off again, and back on. The two week period that I went through this was awful. Bloating, headaches, dizzyness, ugh! Honestly, I didn't really care about what or how I was eating. Although I did still track it - and I stayed within the boundaries I'd established (barely).


So in Week 5 I gained 1 pound. I was miffed. Okay, so I know that it is normal to go up and down. But I still really didn't like it.


In Week 6 I was starving. No matter what I ate, it wasn't enough. I still tracked everything that went into my mouth. I just didn't stay within the parameters I have been. At all. I ate fast food 3 times. I ate brownies almost every day. Some days I had a brownie, ice cream and candy. I just could not satisfy my sweet tooth or my hunger. I was shaky-hungry, even though I was consuming upwards of 1800 calories a day. I also cut back on my walking because I just didn't feel like it. I walked 4 out of the 7 days still, but I walked more slowly. I did start swimming. Magically, despite my horrible habits, I dropped 2.8 pounds! So I have decided that my body must have been in one of it's metabolic-problem stages... for me to pack on the food like I did, exercise less, and lose that much weight in one week? Confusing!


So last week, I tried to be in the middle. I was much more vigilent about what I was eating. I tried to stay within the boundaries a little better. I made sure to take my daily walk. Charlie can walk 2 miles easily along side me now - pretty good for a 3 year old! And Lynnae is usually sick of waiting for me to catch up - two months ago it was the other way around. We also got EA Active for the Wii last week and I am loving it ... daily workouts consisting of aerobic activity, and much more lower and upper body work than I am used to. Yet, I gained .8 pounds back in Week 7. I guess it's okay considering that still puts me down 1 pound from where I was in Week 4.


1 pound loss in 3 weeks is a bit frustrating - but considering the obvious weirdness that my body is going through, I will take it. I am down 78 pounds from where I started in October 2007. All I really want is a solid 5 more pounds. If it takes 15 weeks, I guess that's what it takes!