Daddy, Remy and Some Electronics

Andy has had this book about electronics as long as I have known him.
I think he took a class when he first started college and this was the textbook.
(But I don't know why I think that is true, so it might just be fabricated.)
Throughout our courtship and marriage, Andy has gone through periods of interest in this book.
I chalk it up to his love of tinkering.
And I do love being married to a man that can figure out how to fix anything.

Well, Andy recently went through another stint of interest in electronics.
But this time he had a companion.
My little, tiny, precocious, curious Remy saw what Daddy was reading one day.
And Daddy, ever excited to teach his charges about tinkering, let Remy explore the book with him.
Somehow, this three year old actually picked up some of the bigger ideas.
When I discovered them that first evening, I asked what they were doing.
I got a full lecture from Remy about everything he knew.
Mostly he loved to show us that he knew the difference between words, equations and graphs.
(And he loved pulling out his calculator every time they came to the equations.)

This was not just a one night activity.
For at least a month, this textbook was my three year old's very favorite book.
He read it every day.
Our babysitter was confused the day he brought it to her and asked her to read it to him.
But she obliged and we had a good laugh about it later.
And even now, two months later, he still remembers the book.
When he noticed a burnt-out bulb in our kitchen one day,
He pulled a chair to our bookshelf at the section that holds this book,
Slid the book out ever so carefully,
And came running to me talking up a storm and pointing from the book to the bulb.

This Remy, he loves his Daddy.
And he's definitely Kovar through-and-through.

As They Sleep

Many of my very favorite Mommy Moments,

The ones that are forever frozen in my mind

And stamped in my heart,

Are of my children, asleep.

The second weekend that Charlie was living with us -

We weren't even his official foster parents yet and

I was wondering how good of a mom I could actually be - 

We went out furniture shopping.

We really needed a better "kid" bed for his older sister.

(We only had three days' notice before they started staying with us, and she was in our guest bed.)

We went to at least 6 furniture stores that Saturday.

And then there was Ethan Allen.

Charlie had been pretty darn amazing given his status as a two year old.

He'd rode in our brand new Maclaren stroller at every store.

But at Ethan Allen he was tired.

In one moment I noticed a perplexed, worried look on his face.

I took him out of the stroller,

Sat down on the couch we were standing near,

And his head instantly cradled into my shoulder.

I rubbed my hand down the front of his head gently, three or four times.

And he was out.

It was one of my very first moments of warmth with him,

And the first time I could see myself as his mom.

I'll never forget it.

Ephram is my difficult sleeper,

But he loves a good cuddle,

And he's the best snuggler around.

When I was pregnant with Macie,

Especially during those first four long and sick months,

I was so bone-tired as soon as dinner was done.

And I knew that I couldn't bear the fight it would take to get Ephram to go to sleep the "right" way.

So, during those months, I decided I didn't care

And for the duration of my pregnancy, we had a grand ritual that I will always treasure.

We would get ready for bed,

Read our books,

Put on our pajamas,

Brush our teeth,

And then we'd climb into the cozy La-Z-Boy chair in my room.

There he would sit on my lap, snuggle into my side,

Fitting himself around my growing bump as time wore on.

Sometimes I'd pat his back,

Sometimes he'd pat mine.

I'd tell him about how I loved him,

And how that would always be true,

And my love for him would always grow,

No matter what.

And we'd watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

He'd be so excited at all the songs,

Answer all the questions,

Call for Toodles every time,

And laugh, laugh, laugh.

Sometimes he'd fall asleep first,

But more often I would fall asleep first.

I'd wake up some time later to find him warm, sleeping and, more often then not,

Smiling.

There is never a better smile to catch on your child's face then the one that is present in sleep.

The one that confirms that their life is good enough

To produce happy dreams.

And sometimes that reassurance would be confirmed with a little sleep-giggle.

When Macie was newborn, there was nothing to do but watch her sleep.

She was surrounded by equipment, weird noises,

Nurses that were amazing - but, even so, were not her parents.

Her room did not belong to us

And did not resemble a nursery I'd have liked her to be in.

And her bed was a plastic box.

And although I sometimes resented that plastic box, 

Which was not the co-sleeper attached to my bed,

I knew it was keeping her warm and safe.

And it did allow me to watch her sleep,

My peaceful, strong daughter,

From all sides.

Andy and I would stand next to that box together.

His arm would always rest around my back and on my shoulder.

And we'd stand like that for 15 minutes or sometimes, an hour.

We'd watch her little movements,

Listen to the monitors around her,

And we knew that her sleep was bringing her health.

That sleep was a magic sleep.

And then there was the day that they took her out,

The first day I held her in my arms,

Against my skin,

As she received one of her first feedings through her tube.

I felt her relax into me about a minute into my hold,

And her peace washed over me and consumed me too.

Her breathing regulated, her pulse was even.

And it was just... magic.

I love watching my kids sleep.

Children are in their most pure form in slumber,

And no matter what the day has held,

I see them for the angelic miracles they are.

As Macie has been a baby, I have often fallen asleep while feeding her in the morning.

There have been many days that I have planned it,

Because I love it so.

And Ephram almost always snuggles on the other side of me,

And often falls asleep too.

They are magic moments that we share.

And they will soon come to an end.

There is nothing sweeter than your child, asleep.
Well, maybe there is one thing I'd consider.

One day in February, Ephram and Macie fell asleep together on my bed.

They were so peaceful,

So happy,

So completely accepting of each other,

That I could feel the love this sister and brother share.

Two or more of my children asleep together is more sweet.  It's positively melting.  Who would have known that watching three little people sleep would become my favorite pastime?

Positively Focused

I wanted to be a parent very, very badly for years.
I always knew that part of the challenge in parenting was to teach your children how to make their own good decisions, and that this involves discipline.

I never imagined that 90% of my parenting job would revolve around discipline.

Charlie is quirky.  Charlie also fixates.  And he tends to fixate more on negative behaviors than anything else.

When it comes to discipline, I feel as though I have tried everything.

I'm serious.

I've done so much reading, talking and asking about discipline.

I don't have any more questions to ask.

And I have not just heard the suggestions,

I've actually tried each of them.

Well, the reasonable ones.

I once had a nanny who said, 

"Why don't you just put him in the garage?"

Um... yeah.

(At the time it was tempting though, I'll admit.  I won't let you in on the details of his offenses that week or how they'd impacted my other children and my relationship with my husband.  Trust me, you're better off in the dark on this one.)

My mind likes to categorize things.

To me, discipline tactics seem to primarily focus on one of two things.

Tactic #1

Take something away from the child that they care about, so that they don't want to lose it again.  The hope is that they will not repeat the negative behavior in an effort to keep what they care for.  This can be time, it can be a privilege, it can be a thing, it can be an activity, it can be money, it can be replacing free time with something hard, boring or monotonous - and/or it can be that they have to work or do the "natural consequence" for the behavior they chose.

Here's the problem with this tactic for Charlie.  He doesn't attach to things.  He was severely neglected during the first year of his life and that has resulted in a dysfunction of his attachment cycle.  

He loves Legos, almost as much as he loves Star Wars.  We gave him a huge Star Wars Lego kit for Christmas and then he spent hours building it with his Dad.  It is most definitely his very favorite possession today.  

So what happens if I take away his prized Star Wars legos tomorrow?  He'll tell me that it's okay, he doesn't like them anyway.  And he won't be saying it to be rude or spiteful.  He'll mean it.

(But in school a couple of days later, he'll probably write in his Days Off Journal about how his mean, mean parents took away every single toy he ever owned and gave them to his brother.)

That's another problem with tactic 1... Charlie's a worst-case thinker.  If I tell him he's in time out, the world will fall apart in his mind.  He will start throwing himself down on the ground, kicking and screaming.  He'll dig a hole in the floor or bite a hole into his shirt and we'll begin an endless cycle that takes us all the way to bed time, and often also into the next day.  If we're really on a roll, this one time out can carry us through an entire week of H-E- double hockey sticks.  

That's not just discipline for him.  That's punishment for me, Andy, the other kids and sometimes people outside of our family, too.

No thank you.  

Tactic #2 

Scare, intimidate or bore the child in hopes that you "bully" them out of doing the behavior again.  Yes, I'm talking spanking.  Humiliation.  Belittling.

Biggest problem of this tactic:
If I am trying to teach my son not to be a bully - why would I bully him myself? 

Second big problem... Charlie is extremely sensitive to touch.  When he is in crisis, I can touch him on the shoulder to try to calm him down, and he will shrink away from me as he screams murder.

I am not against spanking.  And I certainly remember corporal punishment and some humiliating consequences that were used during childhood in my own, and others', family.

For Charlie, tactic 2 is pretty unacceptable.  It's that fixating piece in Charlie.  Or maybe it's the ADHD piece, or the opposition coming out.  Sometimes I have to physically move Charlie because he literally becomes a stone statue and will not budge.  I have gently pulled on his arm, I've gently pushed him from behind, and sometimes I have had to carry him.  In his mind, he usually believes that I have physically harmed him.  I think it is often because he is sensorily gone and registers the tactile feedback wrong.  I'll see him later in the day, the next day, sometimes months later, rubbing the part of his arm I touched until it is red.  Sometimes he'll pinch himself or hit himself where others have touched him.  He's rubbed off his skin, many times.  If this is the reaction to normal touch, can you imagine what the reaction could be in another situation?

Tactic 2 does not help us.

It most definitely makes things worse.

Um, worse doesn't sound good to me.  

I'll take better, please.

I sure wish someone could show me that magic "better" card for me to play.

What about the other things?

You're thinking - "Wait, that's not everything... there are other things too!"  I actually think pretty much everything fits into these two categories.

We use the Love and Logic framework, even though it is not very effective with Charlie, it is the best we have found.  I've done time ins.  I've done bear hugs through tantrums.  I've done isolation through tantrums.  I've removed items.  I've removed him.  I've taken more things away then I can count.  Natural consequences are so over-discussed in my house.  I've used the "I understand you want this, but I'm concerned about this, so this can't happen" framework.  I've bucketed my concerns in three categories and determined how I will deal with each category - including the one that doesn't matter.  We've charged him for behaviors, supplies, new clothes when his are ruined.  We've tried to help him think of things that he wants and built programs, both elaborate and small, for him to achieve his goal.

I have built a life around discipline.  It's like a full time job.  And I feel, all the time, like I have made very little - if any - progress.

Where does that leave us?

The point of discipline for Charlie is pretty simple.  First, it is to ensure his safety.  Second, it is to ensure the safety of those around him.  Third, it is to help develop his rational thinking and decision skills so that he can learn and improve.

Sometimes I imagine future Charlie and wonder about this future boy.  Will his reasoning power still be akin to a toddler's?  Or will future 16-year-old Charlie be an almost-man that I can trust behind the wheel of a car?  Will future 30-year-old Charlie be an upstanding, contributing member to society that makes good choices and is respected by his peers?  

Oh, I do hope so.

Lately, I have stumbled upon another way.  It's a spin-off of Tactic #1.  I'm taking away some time, some freedom, and I'm making him obey me in order to move forward.  But the overall focus on my new tactic is positive.

Tactic 1B
Take time away and help the child make a plan to improve behavior the next time the problem is faced.  Have them recap your discussion by making a plan.  Have them chose where to display the plan, if appropriate.

Here's an example.

Charlie had a period of time where he was policing his peers very strongly.
To him, the world is full of blacks and whites - almost no gray.
He would become upset anytime he saw any other child not doing exactly what they had been told.

(Let's not talk about how he was usually not doing as they were told either.  In his mind, somehow that does not apply.) 

What was he choosing to do in these instances?  Hit the offender.  

Yes.

Everyone reading this should know that there are at least 10 other choices you could make.

But that was all Charlie could think to chose in the situation.

So, after three such incidents in one week, after the same discussion in which we talk through what some of these choices could be, after multiple apology letters and lines to write, I gave him a new assignment...  Write down five things that you could do instead of hitting.

People with whom I have shared this approach almost always ask, "But how does he respond?  Can he do it?"  Yes, he can.  In both of his schools, there has been a focus on how to handle small problems.  This has loaded a small arsenal of appropriate responses in his mind.  He simply needs to chose the most appropriate and write them down.  Sometimes he gets stumped, but this is never something that he is required to do fully on his own.  He knows that he can come to me and discuss the problem.  He also knows that I will make him work in that discussion, we'll talk through the rationalizations and I will make him be the one to arrive at the answers.  (Thank heaven for that education and influencing experience I got through my previous career!)  

Charlie actually really likes this exercise.  I like it too, because it seems positive rather than negative.  It used to be that all I would see during times of consequence were glares, glares and more glares.  After these exercises I see...

Does it work?  That remains to be seen.  He still struggles very much in the heat of the moment.  But I have to believe in something, and I chose to believe in Charlie and in the power of repetition.  We may write about the same problem 5 times, 10 times, 50 times or more.  At some point, I believe he will be able to work this out in the moment.  

And then I'll know, definitively, that he is growing.

And then, just maybe, my life can be just 80% centered around discipline.

(Dare I hope for less?)

The First Bow

What is one of the most exciting things about having a girl?

Doing her hair.

If it would just grow in.

Finally, in the very beginning of February, Macie had (just barely) enough hair to hold a clip in.

Love my pretty girl so much... next stop, pony tails.  Just give us six months or so.  

The Matter of the Traffic Jam

All of the roads in this poor city were completely jammed with traffic.
Everyone was trying to leave, but none of the cars could go anywhere.

What better time then this for a major catastrophe to descend upon these poor cars?
Here comes Ephram...

... And the Dinosaur Car!
The mean, mean Dinosaur Car come to free up some of the traffic from this poor city.

Soon the roads were clear again.  

Many of the cars perished as they were stomped on by the Dinosaur Car.

Some were lucky to just be rudely pushed out of the way.

And a select few never saw anything after the inside of the Dinosaur Car's mouth.

At least, that is, until the next day.
When the Dinosaur Car was a nice friend come to play.
Good thing that these cars have no memory from day to day!

Love this kid and his imagination.

The Loud One (with a dash of flexibility)

If I had a dollar quarter dime nickel for every time some mildly behaved, well intentioned child asked me:

"Why is he so loud?"  

Well, I'd be a rich woman.

My answer has varied greatly over the years.  Depending on the child I have said, "Well, he really likes to be loud!"  To the ones that seem genuinely curious, "Have you ever met anyone else that really likes to be loud?  Do you like to be loud sometimes?"  Once, with an especially precocious and smart little five year old girl, I got an incredibly insightful answer.

"Well," she said, "There is this one boy in my class.  He really likes to be loud.  All the time."
"Why do you think he might like to be loud?"
"Well, I don't know.  But if I ignore it, it doesn't bother me too much."
"And if you don't ignore it?"
"Then I'm being bossy.  I don't like to be bossy."
"Well, Charlie really likes to be loud.  But to tell you the truth, I don't think he really knows he's being so loud most of the time."
"Oh.  It's like Christmas.  When you get so excited and go a little crazy."
"Yes, it's like Christmas.  Just for Charlie, and some other kids like him, things feel like Christmas a lot of the time."
"Oh!"
A moment passed, "Well, I'll try to have fun with him.  But can I tell you if I need some help?"

That particular time, they had a great time playing together.  And nobody asked me for any help.

But that is an example of a very rare occurrence in Charlie's social realm.  What typically happens is that the other kids like him at first, especially if they get him in a small and somewhat controlled dose.  Charlie is funny, and he is great with the compliments.  If he's not too over-the-top at the first meeting, he usually makes early friends.  But it doesn't take long for the other kids to start drifting away.  He makes the same compliments day after day.  He compliments some boys in ways that aren't quite right.  He has a very hard time with respecting personal space and keeping his hands and feet to himself.  It's hard for Charlie to follow protocol in a structured setting, and most kids don't want to be associated with the unpredictable one.  Socially, in rules of play and sharing, his skills are closer to those of a toddler.  And then there's the fact that Charlie fixates on things and wants to play the same game day after day in the same way.  Did I mention that there is also a [not really] small matter of him trying to police the kids around him?

But the thing that seems to stand in his way more than anything else is the matter of that volume control.  It's not just that he is loud.  He has to make noise.  Always.  He literally never stops talking.  If he is made to, he will start making noises with his feet, hands, or rocking back and forth.  And if he's asked to stop that, he'll start clearing his throat or breathing like Darth Vader.

Let's just sum this up by saying that it's no small feat to be Charlie's friend.

One time at kindergarten drop-off I saw him tell a boy in his class, "Your hair is really pretty."  The boy looked at him like he was an alien.  Then Charlie yelled "Ah!" inches away from his face really, really loud.  The little boy turned around, shaking his head and walked away.  Kudos to that little boy.  What great control.  Especially since Charlie was less than one footstep behind him the whole way into class.  That was one of the times that I followed in.  When I caught up I gave his shoulder a tight squeeze, which calms and centers him, and pulled him to the side to have a quick discussion about watching the body language of his peers and to wish him well for the day.

I walked out that day holding my breath.  This happened to be when I was on bed rest while pregnant with Macie, just a few weeks before her birth.  I was so torn that day.  Because I was on bed rest, I had a nanny at home with Ephram, and I thought about staying to help Charlie.

The truth is that I wish I could go through every day with Charlie.  For Charlie.  I wish that I could cue him on how to act and what to say, to center him and to instantly bring him back from his sensory-overload moments.  Oh, if I could just make those innocent children see the pay-off of playing with Charlie, of being his friend.  The silly giggles that are so much fun because he sees humor in literally everything.  The endless notes and pictures he'll give you that will make you feel on top of the world.  The wonderful imagination locked up underneath all of that noise.  I wish I could explain that yes, Charlie is different... because he sees the whole world differently.  And that, if you give his world a chance, it's an interesting place.

But, we all know how that works.  Any parent wishes they could take the burden on for their child.  But every parent knows that they can't.  I have to let him go and experience on his own, and look for the opportunities to teach and help where I can.

It's just that progress is so gradual with Charlie.  I find myself craving the documentation and reporting from school because it is empirical.  The statistician in me is drawn to the numbers.  My inner Six Sigma-ist knows that the smallest increments can tell the biggest stories.  With these records it is easier for me to find the little wins.  The big wins are few and far between.  They come so slowly that, without documentation, I would probably miss them completely.

So, I was very happy two weeks ago when we had what was, for Charlie, a roaring success of a trip to the Woodland Park Zoo.

The outing was fraught with obstacles that could cause meltdowns and trouble galore.  He was amped up because my parents had just come into town, and was hyper all morning.  I let him stay home from school, which just added to his amperage.  We were going to an outside venue... and Charlie always equates outside with lots and lots of yelling.  AND we were meeting a whole bunch of family that he had never seen before - great opportunities for showboating.  I spent the morning trying to maintain what calm I could in hopes of at least starting from a good place.

When we got there, my Uncle Del addressed Charlie directly and introduced him to all of his cousins one by one.  Giving Charlie this attentive intro set a perfect foundation for the outing.  And then my cousin Kendra's oldest daughter came wandering back.

"And this is Little Miss Wander Off," is how she was introduced to Charlie.  He was really excited to find out that she was in first grade, just like him.  And even though it was added, right away, that her name was actually Ella - Charlie clung on to that Little Miss Wander Off title.

For the next 15 minutes, I heard:
"Where is Little Miss Wander Off?"
"There you are Little Miss Wander Off!"
"Come back Little Miss Wander Off!"

He started to take it upon himself to make sure she stayed in the fold.  "Uh-oh," I thought.  Let the policing commence.  I pulled him aside with my trademark shoulder squeeze twice, within minutes.

But then, something wonderful happened.  Ella, like most kids that fall subject to the Charlie police, was starting to get a little annoyed.  So she did something about it.
"I'm not Little Miss Wander Off anymore.  I'm just Ella now."

(This was about a minute after I'd seen Kendra pull Ella aside and tell her to either stay close or she'd have to hold her mother's hand.)

Charlie called her Little Miss Wander Off again.
She repeated, as calmly as the first time, "I'm not Little Miss Wander Off anymore.  I'm just Ella now." And then she let out a little laugh.

Charlie tilted his head to the side and his eyes did the dizzy-dancing thing they do when he's truly processing.  I wasn't sure what would happen.  Then..
"Okay Little Miss Ella!  Come on!"

Did my ears deceive me?  Or did Charlie just show real-life, actual flexibility?
I swear, there were actual angels singing inside my head.

I almost laughed a few minutes later, near the gorilla exhibit, when Ella came up to me and said, "Where did the Loud One go?  Oh!  There he is!"  And off she ran, Little Miss Not Wandering Off Anymore to play with Little Mr Not Totally Inflexible Today.

You know what?  They had a blast.  They truly did.  They were both excellent map readers and bonded pretty well given the three hours they had to do it.

On one hand, it's unfortunate that Ella lives all the way in Canada.  (And we aren't talking nearby Vancouver, we're talking all the way in Alberta.)  On the other hand, it could be a great thing.  Charlie made a genuine friend with a second cousin and they can become great pen pals.

Hooray for the little victories that are huge for my guy.

People often ask me what they can do to make things more comfortable for Charlie.  In a lot of ways, that's my job.  It's my job to give everyone access to information about who Charlie is and what makes him tick, while respecting his space and privacy.  It's my job to work with Charlie and walk that fine line between asking for conformance with the world around him while letting him be different.  But if you're looking for that one thing that you can do to help those with ASD - and there are an awful lot of them around you - for me, I think it is to learn about them, to accept difference and to foster acceptance in the children you influence.  Difference can be confusing and frustrating, but accepting it comes with great reward.

The Family Dinner Box of Questions

Before Charlie, I thought that people on the autism spectrum did not enjoy being social.  (Remember, my only real reference for autism was the movie Rain Man.)  For Charlie, nothing could be further from fact.  Charlie loves to converse with anyone and everyone.

If you've been around my Charlie, I am 100% positive that he has attempted to talk your ear off.  Chances are that he has said some strange things, perhaps repeated the same thing several times, laughed in the wrong place (and a little too energetically,) gotten too close to you or been very loud.  Sometimes he says those taboo things that we all know shouldn't be voiced.  And I'm not talking about telling someone how old his mother is.

When he was three, he used to say the same speech to everyone that said hello to him in the grocery store.  And that was a lot of people, because he was a terrifically cute toddler.  The speech went something like this, "Hi my name is Charlie.  My favorite color is red.  This is my mom.  That's my brother inside her belly.  I am three."  Sometimes he would go as far as to add in additional details, like our phone number at the end.  It was a charming little speech that usually made the other person smile.  They would always say something in return, because that's how conversations work.  They're reciprocal.  But, at the time, Charlie couldn't handle this scenario.  He would usually answer their addition, whether it was "Oh, when will your brother be born," or "My favorite color is red, too," With the same thing.  "Hi!  My name is Charlie.  My favorite color is red.  This is my mom..."  At that point, I'd get an interesting look.  And I'd kind of smile, say something to try to be funny and move along.

The thing is, Charlie loves to be social but he has to really work at how to do so appropriately.  We are always seeking out ways to help him be successful in his conversations.  Charlie has learned the rules.  You wait until someone is looking at you.  Don't break into the conversation, wait for a pause.  Take breaks in between your questions.  Watch their facial expression and body language to know if they want to continue.  He's learned to ask a question, wait for an answer or question in return, and then say something that makes sense in response to their addition.  He has learned how to introduce himself.  We spent an entire half year working on learning idioms.  You know - those little sayings that we all understand, but to Charlie were perplexing puzzles...  "There are butterflies in my stomach."  "Cat got your tongue?"  He has to learn the rules for everything, and his mind amazes me in its ability to retain and categorize these little details.  Still, in real time it often goes awry.

Meal times have been especially difficult for him, (meal times are one of his biggest challenges in general.)  This Easter, the bunny brought him a new game called "The Family Dinner Box of Questions".  It's a Melissa and Doug product.  The game includes a set of cards printed with conversation-starter questions.  There are lots of ways you can play, but Charlie has enjoyed handing us each one card, face down at the beginning of our dinner.  We take turns reading the question out loud, answering it and then we have a family discussion on the question and the answer as long as it feels comfortable.  This game has started some fun conversation that Charlie has been able to easily join in on.

Tonight his card read, "If you could have a wild animal from anywhere in the world as a pet, which animal would you choose?"  Charlie wanted to say a Wookie, but Andy vetoed his answer because that is not an animal of this world.  (Andy also contested if a Wookie was truly a pet.)  Overruled, Charlie then chose, "A cute little jaguar.  But only while it was little, before it got too scary."

For those of you out there that have similar struggles to ours, or if you're just looking for a fun conversation-starting game for your family... I highly suggest this one.

Macie at Ten Months

Macie's ten month milestone came on my mom's birthday - January 29th.  January was a very long month for Macie and I... the longest since her first, spent in the NICU.  We both survived a very long and confusing nursing strike, that ended Macie's breastfeeding career.  She had a cold and the flu, got more teeth, started communicating and her personality continued to grow.

Stats:
Chronological Age - 10 Months
Adjusted Age - 8 Months

Weight - 17 pounds

There is no ten month doctor's appointment, but we did end up at the doctor a couple of times during the month.  Macie did lose a few ounces this month, which was a first in her entire life.  (She did not have any initial weight loss after birth.)  I believe this minor loss was in part due to sickness and teething, and am sure that the nursing strike partially contributed as well.

Milestones:

• Launch forward from a sit (40 weeks)
• Started communicating through signs - "no" and "milk" were first (41 weeks)
• First ride in a shopping cart (41 weeks)
• First touch of falling snow (41 weeks)
• Starts to give a "high five" (41 weeks)
• First attempts at a crawl (41 weeks)
• Claps without sound (41 weeks)
• Begins nursing strike (42 weeks)
• First restaurant high chair experience (42 weeks)
• First finger food - puffs (42 weeks)
• Collects things into larger receptacles (43 weeks)
• Hams for the camera (44 weeks)
• First flu (44 weeks)
• Starts to point (44 weeks)
• Mimics words and phrases for sound, not meaning (44 weeks)
• End nursing strike by introducing bottles of formula (44 weeks)

At ten months Macie remained in 6-9 month closing and size 3 diapers.

Feeding:

For the first half of the month, Macie breastfed on demand.  On January 11th she went from nursing about 5 times throughout the day to a sudden and complete refusal of nursing.  She still would accept breastmilk, which I pumped and fed her by spoon, dropper and cup.  After two weeks of this and with both of us having succumbed to a flu, I admitted defeat and started introducing bottles and supplementing with formula.  I continued to pump and give her what I was able to produce, but once the flu hit my supply had a very sharp decline.  

I have not written much about my struggles with breastfeeding but, to put it simply, it was a hard-fought honor to nurse both Ephram and Macie.  I still mourn the early termination of her breastfeeding, but I am so grateful that we were able to nurse traditionally at all.  I have major supply issues with my milk.  On top of this, Macie was a preemie - and many preemies are unable to ever latch or maintain a latch well enough to pull the milk they need.  I was blessed to be able to get Macie to latch when she was 3 months old, and for her gagging and spluttering to have declined enough to allow her to get the milk she needed.  This happened at a critical point when my supply experienced an initial decline but before ever needing to supplement her with formula.  On one hand we were only able to experience true nursing for six months.  On the other hand, we were so  lucky to be able to have this bonding experience and for her to have all the benefits brought by my milk for six full months.  I will probably always be a little sad about this, but I also need to remember how lucky we were.

Solid foods introduced this month included: 

• yogurt
• peaches
• squash
• applesauce
• Gerber puffs
• Cheerios

Macie started finger foods in week 42 with puffs and we introduced Cheerios 3 days later.  She did pretty well with occasional spluttering... but right away she loved being able to feed herself.

Macie loved yogurt, but developed an intense diaper rash about five days after we introduced it.  This was also in tandem with her nursing strike, so it took me some more time to put two and two together.  (I thought that the nursing strike may be causing the rash due to concentrated urine.)  When the rash spread first to her cheeks, then to her trunk and her arms, I realized that she probably had a problem with a food she was eating.  I cut out the milk first, because both Ephram and I have problems with milk, and it took a full 10 days for the rash to back off.  We have not given her milk since, and when we started formula we put her on the one that has broken down lactose proteins.  She has not yet been allergy tested.

Macie continued to take Zantac to treat acid reflux, but the dose was reduced to .4ml once per day.

Sleeping:

Sleeping this month was not good.  In the first half of the month Macie got two teeth and had a cold.  During this time she woke overnight at least twice every night.  Sometimes she woke more, up to five times a night.  The night before she started her nursing strike she was up every hour, which was similar to the night of the nursing strike.  She was often inconsolable and took a lot of rocking to put her back to sleep.

About a week into the nursing strike I adjusted, realizing that she was mad at me for trying to nurse her, and things started to improve.  At the same time we both got the flu and she started teething again.  But on most nights, except for her worst flu nights, she woke only two times.  

At night she slept in the swing or in my arms.  It was a long month for sleep, and I felt much like I had a newborn again.  But I was usually able to keep a positive outlook realizing that she still slept better than Ephram had at the same age, and that the teething and sickness were going to fade away eventually.

Napping was equally confusing.  Somedays she took two naps, somedays she took three or four.  There was really no rhyme or reason.  We were just surviving.  When she looked like she needed to sleep, I held her and rocked her until she fell asleep.  When I could, I napped with her.  Ephram is an awesome kid and was very flexible through the whole thing... often curling up next to us to cuddle as well.

Teething:

Macie cut two more teeth in January, bringing her grand total up to six teeth: four on top and two on bottom.

Communicating:

Macie began to communicate with us by signs in January.  The signs that she used by the end of the month were:

• No (shake of head)
• Milk (squeeze of hand)
• Again (head shake accompanied by a little dance)
• All done (shakes one hand)

During the month she also began to mimic a lot of our sounds.  It was clear that she didn't understand what she was saying, but she was copying the sounds that we made.  Her favorite was "dada", but she would do more complicated things as well.  For instance, if I said "all done?" when she used the sign, she would say "ah duh."

Macie also communicated with us in other ways.  She loved to laugh, and used not only her accidental laugh, but two intentional laughs that she developed.  She also started to try to clap for us and waved at anyone that would look at her.  (Her wave was often two hands instead of one.)

Favorites:

• Eating (puffs, pears, yogurt were her favorites during the month)
• Playing (Fisher Price picnic basket was her favorite)
• Waving at people
• Flipping through books faster than they could possibly be read
• Talking to Ephram
• Taking baths
• Singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider
• Playing in her jumperoo
• Putting things in bowls and boxes
• Babbling

Least Favorite Things:

• Getting teeth.
• Being sick.
• Nursing.

Here are some pictures from her tenth month!

Potty Time?

This past summer Ephram was really interested in the potty.
But the timing was not right for me with a teeny tiny baby.
So we waited.

When I was ready in August, he was not.

Then, right before Christmas, he was again super excited about the potty.
But who wants to potty train over Christmas?
Especially with his birthday a week later?

No thanks.

So we waited.

Come the first of the year, the interest was gone.

Ever since, I've been trying to bring the interest back up.
(I don't believe in forcing the issue or pushing... I want a successful experience for both of us.)

We've got a reward chart going.
Different kinds of potties and potty seats.
Bribery - in the form of money, special time, special toys.
And even special marshmallows, that can only be eaten when one sits on the toilet.
Because Ephram gets so nervous about new things, I thought getting him to sit on it...
Even with his clothes on,
Might help.
And it did.
But not enough that he wanted to try getting on it without his pants on.

Finally in the beginning of February, we got him a Thomas train (Duke) that he has been wanting.
We told him that he could have the train the first time that he went into the toilet and flushed it.
Two days later he did it.
And excitedly took the train...
And has gleefully used his diapers since.

At least he has one successful, fully positive experience in his mind.

He may be 3, but clearly he is still happy in diapers.
I, however, am ready to be changing fewer.
So I will keep searching for the right motivation.
But the next time he indicates he is ready,
I don't care what else is happening and how it may not be the right time for the rest of us.
We will be taking his cue!

Balls and Books

Balls and books - 

By January, these were some of Macie's greatest loves.

My sister, Daja, sent these little Caterpillar Balls to Macie for Christmas.

They ended up being a source of great fun, and she played with them every day until she crawled.

(Ephram liked them too.)

She still plays with them now, but she is also able to go and get about anything else she wants.

She also loves, loves, loves books.  At the beginning of the year, she started to get so excited about turning the pages of them that I had to memorize her favorites because she was so busy going backward and forward.  First one on the list to memorize?  Moo, Baa, La La La by Sandra Boynton.  She adores this book ... I know it is largely because of the animal sounds, but I can tell that the illustrations are an equal attraction.  When we first started reading this one daily, she developed a gutteral talking voice to mimic my "bow wow wow" sounds... And she talked in her gutteral growl for at least two weeks.

And yes, this post was just to talk about toys.  I want to remember what she loved... so expect more of the same down the road.  ;)