Remember This

I was once a young girl,
Full of dreams of accomplishment
In music,
In crafted words,
In love,
In motherhood.

I always knew that trials would come.
But I also had faith -
That I would succeed.
Because I'm a good person.
And I try hard.
And by virtue of my desire.

Life happened.
With time I settled.
My music is for me
And a very limited audience.
My words are written here.
And I find joy and peace in what I have done with them.

In love I have all I dreamt
And more.

But in motherhood. . .
I won't linger on the twists,
The turns,
The torment that desire brought when I began to despair over
What was out of my control,
What I couldn't will into existence.
For a short time I believed it.
(I actually did.)
No children would come.
It was there.
It happened.
I learned to own it.
To hope even as I accepted.
And then, change.

Life brought Charlie.
Beautiful, radiant, full of life,
Quirky, mischievous, entertaining,
Charlie.

And before I knew it -

Ephram.

The biggest personal miracle I had ever known.

Strong, healthy, vibrant.

Part of me, and

Part of Andy.

At last.

Suddenly my luck in love had tripled,

Possibly even quadrupled.

And I, I did love my boys.

Both.

That was never a question.

But something was wrong.

I was sinking,

My grasp on life so very weak.

I panicked

About Ephram at first.

And then about Charlie

And Andy

And the house

And me

And...

Every. Thing.

The snowball grew.

I couldn't stop it.

Anxiety.

Overwhelming.

Fear -

Of leaving home,

Of death,

Of being scared.

I didn't realize -

Truly I didn't know - 

How big that snowball was.

How detached from myself I'd become.

How much time I'd given over to the fear,

To the obsessing,

To the depression.

I don't remember the day that I realized.

The day I accepted that it was not normal.

Not right.

Not necessary.

But I slowly started to climb up.

To turn away from the fear,

From the needless worry.

I often pictured an object in my parents' home.

A framed embroidery that I believe my aunt gave to my mom.

A woman in a rocking chair

And the words that I identified so strongly with...

Thank you, Ruth Hulbert Hamilton.

"Cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow
For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."

My dust wasn't just on my floors and furniture.

It was in me.

It was in the obsessions.

The cobwebs, my worries.

And they needed to sleep.

I pictured this piece several times a day.

I forced myself to focus on my children.

Not on what could happen to them.

Or what I wasn't doing right.

But on how I spent my time with them.

On our quality of life.

I forced myself to accept every invitation I received.

I panicked through most of my first outings.

But it got easier.

I found my way back.

I no longer hid from life out of fear,

I was living by moments

And committing them to memory.

And finally,

Motherhood was mine.

Far more satisfying than I'd ever imagined.

And I wanted more.

I dared to hope.

I willed it to happen.

And then there was Macie.

My precious, perfect, beautiful girl.

Such an experience.

I was reeling before she was even born.

I felt the anxiety tugging.

I felt it try to grab me.

I thought about letting it.

My baby was so sick.

I was scared.

And part of me was drawn to that feeling.

Like a bug bite that your hand keeps lingering near.

But I had committed when I was pregnant. 

A promise to myself.

To her.

To my boys.

I would not be absent, consumed by anxiety.

I would fight it.

And the circumstance of her birth should not change that.

I would remember how.

Be present.

Feel freely.

Let my heart fill up with joy.

Let the panic take no more than one minute at a time.

Breathe.

Write.

Talk.

Find the laughter.

Look in my childrens' eyes.

Hold them and picture warmth until it envelops us.

Remember the dream.

And that it is truly even more than imagined.

Remember this.

*As an aside...  Nobody mentioned to me that anxiety can be a form of postpartum depression until my Ephram was four months old.  Those first four months were confusing and terrifying.  I felt like I had very little control and by the time I understood what was happening, it had become so much more intense than it could have been.  I share these words and experiences here, although extremely personal, because it is therapeutic for me and because I hope they may somehow reach someone in a similar situation.

Growing Up

Ever since he became a big brother, I swear that my little boy is growing up at an exponential rate.  Here are some of the new things he has learned to do in July...

He learned how to earn money, how to stick it through the slot of his new piggy bank, how to shake it around, count it (number of coins, not the amount of money,) and take it back out.

He gained independence and can now read a few books at his own pace, thanks to Tag Jr.

He learned how to eat cereal in a bowl with milk... and did really well on his first try.  (Although a bit of milk did end up on his nose.)

He started to use "big boy" cups.  Here, he is using it with a straw, but he does quite well without one too.  (I don't fill a cup more than 1/3 of the way for him.)

And, here's the big one... he learned how to cook.  He now makes breakfast and lunch for him and Charlie most days.  He can do oatmeal, macaroni and cheese, spaghetti o's and any kind of refrigerator food.  When I say he cooks, he does it all.  Scoops out the oatmeal, puts in a little brown sugar, a lot of water, opens the microwave, sets the time, starts it, and stirs the final product.  He is especially proud of this skill.  The fact that our microwave hood died this month and we had to have a small microwave on our counter for two weeks helped him immensely.

I love this kid.  And I'm sad he's not my baby anymore.  But I'll get over it because he's just too much fun now!

Summer Fun

When we bought this house, one of the selling features for us was the yard.  We have a nice backyard, and it's fairly big... especially when compared to a lot of the newer houses being built.  When we were moving here I imagined kids at play, and now I get to see it happen.  I am always laughing when I watch them out there.

On this particular day, they'd already been outside with the nanny for two hours and then I joined them for a third hour after she left.  They were so happy, sweaty and stinky when it was time to go inside!   I love these two, even when they stink.  (That's what baths are for!)

Summer '12 FT - Build A Bear

This summer my goal is to take the kids on a "field trip" every other week.  We are more homebody-ish then normal this summer thanks to having a newborn that seems to be eating every two hours and is extra susceptible to respiratory infections.  So I don't have the kids enrolled in the typical classes, nor are we doing a lot of play dates.  I thought that it would be fun to look back on this summer and remember a few special things that we did together.

We kicked off with our first field trip on July 6th - an excursion to Build A Bear Workshop.  If there are two things that I know about my kids, it is that they love their stuffed friends and they are obsessed with building things.  What better place to combine these two passions?  We talked about our trip for about two weeks before we went.  Charlie was very excited, Ephram was excited (but tentative) and Macie smiled when we talked about it simply because I was smiling at her.

Being realistic about my abilities to keep Charlie on track, grab Ephram when he runs away (a new favorite for him) and keep Macie happy at the same time... I invited our nanny to come along.  She was excited to be able to go to Build A Bear as part of her work, and the kids were excited she would be there.  I also decided to leave the camera at home, I knew it would be too big to wield.  So instead, I have some cell phone pictures of our trip.

We started by choosing which bears we wanted to build.  Charlie chose a bunny for himself.  Ephram chose a colorful "celebration" bear and together we chose a nice brown bear for Macie.

Then, because there was already a line at the fluff machine, we were directed to head over to the computers to name our new friends.  I didn't know that a computer task would be part of the package.  I think Ephram was as excited about this as he was about fluffing his bear.  He named his new friend Hearts.  Charlie went through several name ideas, naming friends is one of his favorite occupations, and settled with Goldylocks.  We all decided to name Macie's Peanut, which is one of our nicknames for her.

Then it was our turn for the fluff machine.  Ephram had a grand time lighting up all of the heart buttons on the front of the machine while Charlie operated the pedal to fill Goldylocks up.  Then Ephram took his place at the pedal, very enthusiastically.  It always amazes me how effortlessly he picks up what is expected of him to do a task.  Charlie was fixated on figuring out how the fluff got from the machine, through the little tube and into the bear.

Then the boys and Macie participated in a heart ceremony.  They each selected a heart from the bin on the fluff machine.  Ephram held onto Macie's for her.  They rubbed it in their hands to make it warm so that it would always feel happy.  They touched it to their hearts so that it would love them.  They touched it to their nose so that it would know them.  They rubbed it on their heads so that it would be smart like them.  They rubbed it on their knee so that it would always need them.  They rubbed it on their ears so that it would listen to them.  They jumped up and down so that their friend would have energy and play with them.  Finally they kissed the heart to bring it to life and placed it in the center of their friend.  Then they watched them be sewn shut.  Ephram was not going to let go of Hearts after he was all stuffed!

Next we took the new animals over to be bathed.  Ephram pushed the pedal while Charlie brushed them down.

Then it was time to pick out some clothes.  Charlie saw some Lightening McQueen pajamas right away and showed them to Ephram.  Ephram thought they were perfect.  Charlie wanted his bunny to have a cute dress, so he looked through all of them until he settled on the red and pink one in the picture.  And then we all worked together to find a dress for Peanut.    The employee helped us get our new friends dressed at the changing tables, and Charlie picked out bows for Goldylocks and Peanut.  Then, they each received a little home and were tucked away inside.

This is the closest that I got to grabbing a picture of all three kids in front of the store.  Oh well, it is a good representation of them.  Ephram was super busy during our whole trip.

Once we were home and full of McDonald's for lunch, I grabbed my big camera and took some pictures of the kids and their new best friends.

Opening the homes and taking their friends out to show them our house.

Watching Meet the Robinsons with them.  Both of the boys instantly started treating their friends like little babies.  It was so cute.

A few posed pictures after Macie's nap.

Ephram, after dinner and before bed time, crashed out on the couch with Hearts in his arms.

Field trip #1 of Summer 2012 was a huge hit.  Hopefully the remaining ones will be too!

Fourth of July 2012

We had a great Fourth of July this year!  It started with one of my favorite activities.  Dressing my kids up and taking pictures of them.  It is so much fun to have a girl already.  This was my first holiday picture set with a girl.  I see lots of dresses, ribbons and bows in our future.

I love the colors of this holiday.  Vibrant, bold, and very happy.  All of the kids were excited to wear their outfits.  Even Macie was grinning from ear to ear.  Charlie and Ephram each got to pick their shirt color out this year, and I thought it was pretty good that they chose different colors.

Ephram saw Macie get some special picture time and wanted some of his own.  He's really cute, so of course I did as he wished.  Someday he won't like to have his picture taken anymore, so I'm grabbing all the pictures I can while he is compliant.  He wanted to pose for me.  It is the first time I have seen him strike a pose and hold it until he hears the click of the shutter.  The boy cracks me up.

After pictures we went downstairs for breakfast and another favorite tradition of ours - the SyFy channel's Twilight Zone marathon.  This year it was only one day, but I suppose that one day of Twilight Zone is probably enough.  Our kids are even already trained to enjoy the show.  (Ephram spent the first two days of his life watching that year's New Year's marathon with me in the hospital, so it should be programmed in him.)

Andy and Ephram went to the grocery store to secure some food items we needed for grilling.  Ephram also chose a balloon.  I don't have a picture of Ephram with it, but I do have one of Charlie.  Balloons are a fun holiday thing in our family.

After lunch, it was time to let the kids play.  We love living on a cul-de-sac.  All we have to do is go outside and the entertainment is right there.  Ephram and Charlie ran around for hours that afternoon.  Did I mention it had been rainy and cold for at least a week prior to the holiday?  That day we woke up to sunny, almost 80 degree weather... perfect timing.  I took Macie out for awhile too, but have no picture proof of any of the outside festivities.  Andy took some pictures with his phone, but those are not available to me at this moment.  Maybe I will add them later.  I came in to give Macie a nap.  She is cute all the time, even when asleep.

Around 6, we came in to prepare our dinner.  Most of the neighbors eat in the cul-de-sac, but we find that it is a bit too much to juggle with our small ones.  So we always come inside to eat and then go back out when we are done.  This year Andy made us excellent burgers and hot dogs.  He had a little helper.

His helper was also holding the door for everyone as they went in and out.  Anytime anyone is going anywhere, Ephram races to the door or gate to be the first one there so that he can hold it open for the person.  He is the most chivalrous toddler I know.

The fireworks had been going all day.  Actually, they had been going for about 4 days.  But they really started to kick up to a new level around 7pm.  Macie made it very clear from the beginning that she would have nothing to do with it.  However, Ephram showed interest in them for the first time.  (I spent the last two years watching them from the windows with Ephram, where they aren't as loud!)  So Andy, Charlie and Ephram headed back outside to join in the fun.  Macie and I found the central most part of the house and did a lot of nursing.  I turned up the Twilight Zone to mask the noise that I could. This year I saw very few of the fireworks.  I always love how it works in Washington.  If you watch from our bedroom window, it is like seeing 20 fireworks shows all at once.  Oh well, there will be many more years!

When the kids came in we watched the New York and Seattle fireworks shows that NBC had aired, and I had DVR'd.  The kids thought they were pretty cool too.  And it was late, so we went to bed.  It was, as always, a fun and relaxing day.

The next day Ephram was a very tired kid.  He slept on the couch until lunch time!