Charlie's Letter

We have had an interesting year as Charlie acclimates to Kindergarten and public school.  He has a great teacher and the school has been very supportive in their efforts.  However, Charlie is different - there's just no getting around that fact.  And kids are smart.  They notice everything, and what they don't understand can lead them down different paths.  Charlie has made a lot of great friends this year.  He associates very well with the girls in his class, but he has struggled with the boys.  He has found a very effective method to relate to the girls, flattery.  He is still trying to find an approach that will work with the boys.  One unfortunate consequence is that he has been physically teased and bullied.

There are three reasons that this breaks my heart:

1. It seems so early for this type of behavior to be happening.  These kids are only 5 or 6.
2. Charlie does not go for help.  It is a part of his autism.  He internalizes and doesn't think to tell a teacher.  The only way that we become aware of these incidents are when other children bring them forward.
3. All children are good.  I know this.  I want Charlie to know this.  They are good kids, they just don't understand why he does the things that he does... and they are making a poor choice in return.

This week Charlie's teacher and I came up with an idea simultaneously.  Today I am going into his class to talk to the kids about Asperger syndrome and to hopefully increase their understanding.  I would like to post more about that visit after it has happened.  As part of the visit, we are sending a letter home with each of the kids.  The purpose of the letter is to help them understand some of the special things about Charlie so that they know that he too is good, and does not intend to make them uncomfortable with his actions. 

I want to share the letter here.  It may help others.  And many of you know us and see us with some regularity, so it may help you to also support our family in our journey.  

Hi, my name is Charlie Kovar.  My mom came to our class today to talk to everyone about a big word, Aspergers, and what it means.  I have Asperger Syndrome, which means that I see and feel the world differently than most people do.  Asperger Syndrome is on the autism spectrum, and I am mildly autistic.

I like to have friends and enjoy playing with others.  Sometimes my favorite way to play is by watching what you are doing.  This may seem like I am staring, but I am really studying your actions and enjoy watching you have fun.  If you notice me, I may make a face or say something to you because I am caught off guard.  I like to talk, a lot.  I will often talk about the same subject for a long time, or repeat it for several days.  Sometimes I cannot stop talking and I forget to listen to what others have to say.  I have a hard time generalizing and I am very literal in my thinking and understanding.  I worked hard to learn about the sayings that people use so that I would understand their meaning.  Now I know that there is not really a frog in my mom’s throat when she is recovering from a cold.  But there will often be times when I do not understand a joke, and I may look confused or laugh too hard.

I really like to make people laugh, but I don’t always know the proper way to do this.  Sometimes I will do something that is funny in one situation at the wrong time, and then laugh loudly afterwards.  I do not know instinctively what “good” decisions are.  I am constantly learning and cataloguing experiences.  You can help me by showing me examples of good behavior.  I really appreciate words of encouragement and recognition.  

I feel like I am floating in space so when I bump up against someone I know to stop.  That is why I will sometimes get too close to you when I am talking and have a hard time standing in line with a little space in front of me.  Also, I might bump into someone on accident.  My brain tells me to go from point A to point B and I will go straight there and sometimes it won’t matter what or who is in the way.  I’m not trying to be mean. 

Structure and routine are very important for me and it is important that I know the rules, guidelines and what is expected of me.  My teachers may use special tools to help me such as the chart on my desk.  I have to work extra hard to remember when our routine changes, like when we have a substitute or attend an assembly.

I have sensory integration disorder, which means that many of my senses are heightened.  This can make it hard for me to concentrate and sit still.  I am especially sensitive to light, touch and sound.  Bright and flickering lights can make me nervous, I prefer dimly lit spaces.  I like firm touch, but if someone brushes up against me lightly or taps me on the shoulder it can cause me to go into sensory overload.  I am very sensitive to sound.  I hear noises that most people don’t notice, like flies buzzing in a room.  These noises make me nervous and I can’t concentrate while they are around.  If a room is very loud I will often make my voice louder to cope.  Wearing headphones can help me feel safe. 

When I go into sensory overload my body and brain shut down.  I do not hear or see what is going on around me.  I will often stop talking and refuse to move or participate when asked.  I do not know how to communicate what is happening or why I am upset.  Often I do not know why I am upset.  If you try to talk to me during these times, I may not respond or I may say something rude.  I always feel bad to learn later that I have hurt someone’s feelings.  When I am this upset, it is best to let a teacher or adult help me.  I do best if I can find a quiet, secluded, dimly lit space to calm down.  Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball or go under a blanket.  It helps me if people let me have a new beginning once I am calm. 

Asperger Syndrome is a part of who I am, but it does not fully describe me.  I have many interests.  I really love Star Wars, playing legos and riding my bike.  I am a good reader and I love to spell.  I play the piano and am learning gymnastics.  If you want to learn more about Asperger Syndrome, there are some great resources.  My mom shared the book All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome by Kathy Hoopman.  There is also an episode of Arthur that can be found on YouTube called George and the Missing Puzzle Piece.  I know I am autistic and understand more about my differences every day.  My parents will happily answer any questions.